The Last Time

Dear Logan,

One day you will be a father, and there may come a time when you grow weary of the sheer, constant neediness that comes with it. At times it seems never ending as one need slowly shifts into another - diapering gives way to constant pants-pulling up and buttons-assisting. Cries for help become demands to "watch this!" and "look at me!" One at a time, all these little moments of need become tiny bits of independence and before too long, you find yourself not so needed anymore.

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I don't remember the last time I changed your diaper. I don't remember the last time I rocked you to sleep, buckled your seatbelt, brushed your teeth, or put your shoes on. Independence is a sneaky character, stealing you away so slowly it's almost unnoticeable....until I look back and consider all that you've accomplished in your short five years on this Earth.

A few weeks ago you taught yourself how to swing. All by yourself, with no need for me to push-start you or anything. Suddenly there you are, just swinging away.

Like all your other baby steps into adulthood, this newfound talent gave me both a sense of pride and a touch of heartache. Just another thing you don't need me for.

So I hope you can understand as you get older, if you see me clinging to Claire more, rocking her longer, playing with her and holding her more than you remember me doing so with you, it's not because I love her more. It's because I now realize how fleeting these moments of need are. And there's no turning back time.

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Love you forever,

Mama